Courteous old lady - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A little old lady owned a home beside the fifth fairway, and stray golf balls were always landing in her back yard.
Instead of getting angry, she removed the fence along the boundary, invited the golfers onto her property, showed them where their ball was located, and encouraged them to take their next shot from that spot.
Even when they missed and dug deep divots in her lawn, she would tell them to go ahead and take another swing.
A visitor, after witnessing her overly courteous behavior, couldn't help but comment. "How come you let them tear up your yard like that?" the visitor asked, "and not only that, you encourage them."
"I'm not as courteous as you think," the old lady replied. "I'm planning on turning my yard into a garden, and I figure within another month they'll have it plowed for me."
Courteous old lady - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
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Showing posts with label Funny Old Age Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Old Age Jokes. Show all posts
The F Word - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
The F Word - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
The F Word - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
The F Word - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Secret to a long life - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Secret to a long life - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Secret to a long life - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Secret to a long life - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Diploma - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Diploma - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A grandmother pushed a baby around Wal-Mart. Each time she added something in her cart, she said, "Here's something for you, Diploma." Or, "How about this, Diploma?" Finally, someone asked her, "Why do you call your grandchild, 'Diploma?'" The grandmother replied, "Because I sent my daughter off to college and this is what she brought home!"
Diploma - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A grandmother pushed a baby around Wal-Mart. Each time she added something in her cart, she said, "Here's something for you, Diploma." Or, "How about this, Diploma?" Finally, someone asked her, "Why do you call your grandchild, 'Diploma?'" The grandmother replied, "Because I sent my daughter off to college and this is what she brought home!"
Diploma - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Handful of peanuts - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Handful of peanuts - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Handful of peanuts - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Handful of peanuts - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Celebrating an event - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Celebrating an event - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Celebrating an event - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Celebrating an event - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Speed of sound - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Speed of sound - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Sound must travel very slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers doesn't reach them until they're well into their 20s!
Speed of sound - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Sound must travel very slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers doesn't reach them until they're well into their 20s!
Speed of sound - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Young gynecologist - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Young gynecologist - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"
"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"
Young gynecologist - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"
"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"
Young gynecologist - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Fifty Fifty - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Fifty Fifty - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Fifty Fifty - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Fifty Fifty - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
The Old Man and the Sea - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
The Old Man and the Sea - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
The Old Man and the Sea - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
The Old Man and the Sea - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Old age jokes - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Old age jokes - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An elderly man limped into his doctor's office. "Doc, my left knee hurts so bad I can hardly walk!" The doctor eyed him, paused, and said, "Mr. Johnson, how old are you?" "I'm 98!" he announced proudly. The doctor sighed and said, "Sir, you're almost a hundred years old and you're complaining that your knee hurts? What do you expect?" The Johnson replied, "Well, my right knee is 98 too, and it doesn't hurt!"
Old age jokes - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An elderly man limped into his doctor's office. "Doc, my left knee hurts so bad I can hardly walk!" The doctor eyed him, paused, and said, "Mr. Johnson, how old are you?" "I'm 98!" he announced proudly. The doctor sighed and said, "Sir, you're almost a hundred years old and you're complaining that your knee hurts? What do you expect?" The Johnson replied, "Well, my right knee is 98 too, and it doesn't hurt!"
Old age jokes - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Arthritis - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Arthritis - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Arthritis - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Arthritis - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Hearing problem - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Hearing problem - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Hearing problem - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
An old man had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Hearing problem - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
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