Chauffeur - Funny Jokes
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Chauffeur - Funny Jokes
Funny Quotes and Jokes offers a lot of Funny Jokes and Funny Quotes to entertain people who love quote and jokes. Have Fun
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
First day as a medical student - Funny Medical Jokes - Funny Jokes
First day as a medical student - Funny Medical Jokes - Funny Jokes
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
First day as a medical student - Funny Medical Jokes - Funny Jokes
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
First day as a medical student - Funny Medical Jokes - Funny Jokes
Maths - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Maths - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
Maths - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
Maths - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Wife - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
Wife - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
Wife - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
Wife - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
Boss - Funny Workplace Jokes - Funny Jokes
Boss - Funny Workplace Jokes - Funny Jokes
"That does it! I'm never going to work for him again!" "Why, what did he say to you?" "'You're fired!'"
Boss - Funny Workplace Jokes - Funny Jokes
"That does it! I'm never going to work for him again!" "Why, what did he say to you?" "'You're fired!'"
Boss - Funny Workplace Jokes - Funny Jokes
Fat lady - Funny Doctor Jokes - Funny Jokes
Fat lady - Funny Doctor Jokes - Funny Jokes
A fat lady: (To a health expert) Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
Fat lady - Funny Doctor Jokes - Funny Jokes
A fat lady: (To a health expert) Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
Fat lady - Funny Doctor Jokes - Funny Jokes
Two deaf men - Funny Jokes
Two deaf men - Funny Jokes
Two deaf men on a coffee break were talking about how late they stayed out the previous night. One signed, "When I got home, my wife was asleep so I just slipped into bed without getting in trouble." The other signed back, "Lucky you. My wife was wide awake, sitting up in bed, waiting for me. She gave me hell for hanging out so late with you." The first signed back, "So? What did you do?" The second answered, "I turned out the light!"
Two deaf men - Funny Jokes
Two deaf men on a coffee break were talking about how late they stayed out the previous night. One signed, "When I got home, my wife was asleep so I just slipped into bed without getting in trouble." The other signed back, "Lucky you. My wife was wide awake, sitting up in bed, waiting for me. She gave me hell for hanging out so late with you." The first signed back, "So? What did you do?" The second answered, "I turned out the light!"
Two deaf men - Funny Jokes
Man and Woman - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
Man and Woman - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Man and Woman - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Man and Woman - Funny Man Vs Woman Jokes - Funny Jokes
A car hit - Funny Geek Jokes - Funny Jokes
A car hit - Funny Geek Jokes - Funny Jokes
A car hit a software developer. After the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance, one asked him, "Are you comfortable?" The man replied weakly, "I make a nice living."
A car hit - Funny Geek Jokes - Funny Jokes
A car hit a software developer. After the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance, one asked him, "Are you comfortable?" The man replied weakly, "I make a nice living."
A car hit - Funny Geek Jokes - Funny Jokes
Funny Riddles - Funny Jokes
Funny Riddles - Funny Jokes
Joke 1#: Why did the student eat her HW? The teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Joke 2#: What kind of storm is always in a rush? A Hurry Cain.
Joke 3#:What do you get when you mix a car, a fly, and a dog? A Flying Carpet!
Joke 4#: Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his food? He was stuffed.
Joke 5#:What does a farmer use to count his cattle? A COWculator.
Funny Riddles - Funny Jokes
Joke 1#: Why did the student eat her HW? The teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Joke 2#: What kind of storm is always in a rush? A Hurry Cain.
Joke 3#:What do you get when you mix a car, a fly, and a dog? A Flying Carpet!
Joke 4#: Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his food? He was stuffed.
Joke 5#:What does a farmer use to count his cattle? A COWculator.
Funny Riddles - Funny Jokes
Ladies purse - Funny All About Women - Funny Jokes
Ladies purse - Funny All About Women - Funny Jokes
As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later, she called and was relieved that her bag had been found. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One handed her two typewritten pages, her purse, and a box containing the purse's contents. "We inventory everything we find. It's all there," he explained. As she started to put everything back into her purse, he continued, "May we watch? We all tried and failed to get it all back inside. We're curious as to how you do it!"
Ladies purse - Funny All About Women - Funny Jokes
As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later, she called and was relieved that her bag had been found. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One handed her two typewritten pages, her purse, and a box containing the purse's contents. "We inventory everything we find. It's all there," he explained. As she started to put everything back into her purse, he continued, "May we watch? We all tried and failed to get it all back inside. We're curious as to how you do it!"
Ladies purse - Funny All About Women - Funny Jokes
Kid's password - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Kid's password - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.
Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?
Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.
Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.
Kid's password - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.
Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?
Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.
Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.
Kid's password - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of Serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of Serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Workplace Vocabulary additions - Funny Workplace Jokes - Funny Jokes
Workplace Vocabulary additions - Funny Workplace Jokes - Funny Jokes
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find your self unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
Workplace Vocabulary additions - Funny Workplace Jokes- Funny Jokes
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find your self unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
Workplace Vocabulary additions - Funny Workplace Jokes- Funny Jokes
Competition - Funny Situational Jokes - Funny Jokes
Competition - Funny Situational Jokes - Funny Jokes
Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"
Competition - Funny Situational Jokes - Funny Jokes
Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"
Competition - Funny Situational Jokes - Funny Jokes
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Hearing aid - Funny Old Age Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Men Bashing - Funny About Men Jokes - Funny Jokes
Men Bashing - Funny About Men Jokes - Funny Jokes
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."
Men Bashing - Funny About Men Jokes - Funny Jokes
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."
Men Bashing - Funny About Men Jokes - Funny Jokes
Wife - Funny Soldier Jokes - Funny Jokes
Wife - Funny Soldier Jokes - Funny Jokes
First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."
Wife - Funny Soldier Jokes - Funny Jokes
First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."
Wife - Funny Soldier Jokes - Funny Jokes
Birth - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Birth - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later, your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'
Birth - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later, your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'
Birth - Funny Kid Jokes - Funny Jokes
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