Dreadful fight - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joana called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
Dreadful fight - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
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Showing posts with label Funny Marriage Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Marriage Jokes. Show all posts
Long and flowing - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Long and flowing - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife.
By the second day, they were already fighting.
"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed. "You look like a tramp!"
"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me in something long and flowing? If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I'll get in it."
So he pushed her into the river.
Long and flowing - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife.
By the second day, they were already fighting.
"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed. "You look like a tramp!"
"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me in something long and flowing? If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I'll get in it."
So he pushed her into the river.
Long and flowing - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Remote Control - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Remote Control - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Remote Control - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Remote Control - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Mink - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Mink - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Mink - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Mink - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Right wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Right wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
"I'm gonna get a divorce, Bill. My wife hasn't spoken with me in months!" Bill considered this news before replying, "Are you sure, Jack? Women like that are hard to find!"
Right wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
"I'm gonna get a divorce, Bill. My wife hasn't spoken with me in months!" Bill considered this news before replying, "Are you sure, Jack? Women like that are hard to find!"
Right wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Small talk - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Small talk - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Service in the restaurant was extremely slow. The husband was starting to flip out, so his wife tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," she said, "our friend Rachael should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" the husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."
Small talk - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Service in the restaurant was extremely slow. The husband was starting to flip out, so his wife tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," she said, "our friend Rachael should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" the husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."
Small talk - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Birthday Gift - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Birthday Gift - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
One guy said to the other, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And what she doesn't have, she just goes out and buys herself. I'm stumped." His buddy said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex any way she wants it?" "Great idea. She'll be thrilled." The next day, his buddy asked him, "Well? Did you take my advice?" "Sure did." "What happened?" "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door, yelling, "See ya in an hour!"
Birthday Gift - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
One guy said to the other, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And what she doesn't have, she just goes out and buys herself. I'm stumped." His buddy said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex any way she wants it?" "Great idea. She'll be thrilled." The next day, his buddy asked him, "Well? Did you take my advice?" "Sure did." "What happened?" "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door, yelling, "See ya in an hour!"
Birthday Gift - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Pull The Plug - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Pull The Plug - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said, "Just so you know, dear, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, I want you to pull the plug."
So his wife unplugged the TV and dumped out his beer!
Pull The Plug - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said, "Just so you know, dear, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, I want you to pull the plug."
So his wife unplugged the TV and dumped out his beer!
Pull The Plug - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Wife wants to jump - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Wife wants to jump - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Husband to Hotel Manager: Please come fast, My wife wants to die & trying to jump out of the window.
Hotel Manager: It’s your matter, what can I do, sir?
Husband: The window is not opening, idiot !
Wife wants to jump - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Husband to Hotel Manager: Please come fast, My wife wants to die & trying to jump out of the window.
Hotel Manager: It’s your matter, what can I do, sir?
Husband: The window is not opening, idiot !
Wife wants to jump - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
11 Husbands - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
11 Husbands - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A young man married a beautiful woman who had divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software ; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and
get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process
but wanted three years to research, implement, and design
a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he
was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk
about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was .
God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna
get SCREWED!!
11 Husbands - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A young man married a beautiful woman who had divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software ; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and
get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process
but wanted three years to research, implement, and design
a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he
was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk
about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was .
God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna
get SCREWED!!
11 Husbands - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Tooth - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Tooth - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A married couple hurried into their dentist's office. "Doc, I'm in a hell of a hurry! I've got my golf buddies waiting out in my car for me. Would you just skip the anesthetic, pull the tooth, and be done with it? I don't have the time to wait for anesthetic!" The dentist thought, "My! This is a brave man, getting a tooth pulled without painkiller." But out loud, he asked, "Okay. Which tooth is it?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him which tooth is hurting you!"
Tooth - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A married couple hurried into their dentist's office. "Doc, I'm in a hell of a hurry! I've got my golf buddies waiting out in my car for me. Would you just skip the anesthetic, pull the tooth, and be done with it? I don't have the time to wait for anesthetic!" The dentist thought, "My! This is a brave man, getting a tooth pulled without painkiller." But out loud, he asked, "Okay. Which tooth is it?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him which tooth is hurting you!"
Tooth - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love vs Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love vs Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Love vs Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
TV has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Love vs Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Funny Marriage Jokes
Shooting - Funny Marriage Jokes- Funny Jokes
Shooting - Funny Marriage Jokes- Funny Jokes
Judge: why did u shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Jane: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Shooting - Funny Marriage Jokes- Funny Jokes
Judge: why did u shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Jane: Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Shooting - Funny Marriage Jokes- Funny Jokes
Reason for asking - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Reason for asking - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.
Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"
"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
Reason for asking - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.
Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"
"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
Reason for asking - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Private Detective - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Private Detective - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video. There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other. "I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said. The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!" The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"
Private Detective - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video. There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other. "I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said. The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!" The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"
Private Detective - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Efficiency at home - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Efficiency at home - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked an audience member. "Well, when I was first married, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made many trips between the refrigerator, stove and sink, often carrying a single item at a time. I told her, 'You're wasting time carrying one thing at a time. Always carry several things at once.'" "And did that save time?" asked the audience member. "Yes. Yes, it did," replied the expert. "While it used to take my wife twenty minutes to make breakfast, now I do it in ten!"
Efficiency at home - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked an audience member. "Well, when I was first married, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made many trips between the refrigerator, stove and sink, often carrying a single item at a time. I told her, 'You're wasting time carrying one thing at a time. Always carry several things at once.'" "And did that save time?" asked the audience member. "Yes. Yes, it did," replied the expert. "While it used to take my wife twenty minutes to make breakfast, now I do it in ten!"
Efficiency at home - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of Serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of Serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
Cheating wife - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage - Funny Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes
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